Just For A Laugh

After being laid off, Judie papered the town with her resume.

Days passed, and she hadn't received a single phone call. She decided to take a closer look at the copies her husband had printed at his real estate office.

Judie quickly realized that he hadn't put blank paper into the copy machine as she had specifically instructed. At the bottom of each copy, written in bold type, was a common real estate disclaimer:

"The information contained herein, while deemed to be reasonably accurate, cannot be guaranteed."

*

Work Wisdom: Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom: Any pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes...and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Bill Stebbins

*

A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck"

A third child brought the argument to a close." They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

*

A doctor relaxing at home for the evening, answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

*

It is evident that old age is creeping up on us when.....

We realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

We sing along with the elevator music.

We sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.

We sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

We wake up, looking like our driver's license picture.

Our pacemaker raises the garage door when we see a pretty girl go by.

Our secrets are safe with friends because they can't remember them either.

*

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

The young student quickly replied!, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Channels!"

*

Traveling through Spain, my friend and I walked into a shop that had the most gorgeous coats. As we tried a few on, we noticed the odd looks we were getting from the shopkeepers.

One kind, English-speaking patron took pity on us: "Excuse me," she said. "This is a dry cleaners."

*

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

*

On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta, GA , a well attired middle-aged woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a kippa ("yarmulke" in Yiddish). She called the attendant over to complain about her seat-mate.

"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.

"You've sat me next to a Jew!! I can't possibly sit next to this strange man. Please find me another seat!"

"Madam, I will see what I can do to accommodate," the attendant replied, "but the flight is virtually full today and I don't know if there is another seat available."
The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man beside her (not to mention the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the attendant returned and said, "Madam, the economy and club sections are full, however, we do have one seat in First class." Before the lady had a chance to respond, the attendant continued, "It is only on exceptions that we make this kind of upgrade, and I had to ask permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that no one should be forced to sit next to an unpleasant person..."

The flight attendant turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, Sir, I have a comfortable seat for you in First class..."

At this point, the surrounding passengers stood up and gave a standing ovation while the Jewish man walked up to the front of the plane.

The lady then said indignantly, "The Captain must have made a mistake.."

To which the attendant replied, "No Ma'am. Captain Cohen doesn’t make mistakes."

*

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. So he simply asked: "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?"

Immediately, nine single ladies, four widows, three widowers, two single men and a lady in a formal wedding gown stepped to the front.

*

There are way too many young Christians who are out of control in their physical relationship with the opposite sex.

So, mom or dad, here is something you can share with your kids in connection with relating to the opposite sex. Be prepared, I am going to be blunt.

1. Any body part they have that you don't have, don't touch it. Any equipment they have that you don't have, it is hands off!

2. Do not put any part of your body into any part of their body.

3. Do not get horizontal. Don't even sit on the couch watching TV, and lay down in one another's arms. If you do, you know where that can lead.

4. If you are going to kiss, let it be short and meaningful. Don't allow yourselves to get into a wrestling match. Again, it is hard to find the switch to turn it off once you get going. [If you can't do this without being tempted, perhaps you should lay off the kissing altogether!)

5. Finally, let things like holding hands or putting your arm around your boyfriend or girlfriend actually be meaningful.

If you are single, apply these rules, and they could save you a lot of grief!
Bayless Conley, Chris Long, Laugh & Lift

*

Church sign in Wisconsin: "Thou shall have no other gods before me. Sun worship, 10:30 a.m."

*

Yesterday I met a stranger...Today this stranger is my friend. Had I not taken the time to say hello, or return a smile, or shake a hand, or listen, I would not have known this person. Yesterday would have turned into today, and our chance meeting would be gone.

Yesterday I hugged someone very dear to me. Today they are gone... and tomorrow will not bring them back.

Wouldn't it be nice if we all knew tomorrow they would be here? But this is not to be, so take the time TODAY to give a hug, a smile, and "I love you."

....hug a loved one
....don't hold a grudge
....don't be afraid to say "I'm sorry"
....look a child in the eye and tell them how great they are
....look beyond the face of a person into their heart
....make a promise, and keep it.

Learning English: Why It Is Difficult!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?